November 19th, 2009

Darkling Happiness Forever!
  • bikz

Holding My Own

This is the strongest thing I've done in a long time ....
I went to see my nurse today for a routine appointment. She knew nothing of my bulimia, scratched throat and laxative abuse, until today. I didn't say much, but I said something. She promised to get me in contact with a counsellor in their eating disorders unit. I've had bad experience with therapy in the past, either telling me that the waiting list is forever long, or sticking me with someone who might as well be pouring ipecac down my throat for all the use they are. But I trust this medical team's judgement, very much so.

Because bulimia - I want to end it. I currently don't mind whether I do it the same way I gave up smoking, just throw away all the binge foods and laxatives; get off it all piece by piece, limb by limb, and go through all the reasoning why I turned to senna; or get manhandled into some hospital or care home to be treated. I just want to kick it out of my life, and know that if I try to do it by myself, I'll just get worse. Get new ideas. (I started off with - "Why don't I make myself throw up? Only occasionally, just as backup." and it escalated to - "Even at this dose, senna isn't helping me lose weight; why not order some ipecac? I'll take no more than the recommended dose, and no more often than it says!")

The anorexia side of bulimirexia has always been the same. Be thin - specifically, 94lbs/6st10 (even my goal has remained the same). Lose weight. Don't eat much, and when you do, keep it low on calories. Caffeinate. Exercise. Nothing ever changed, it has always seemed so safe .... but with bulimia, things have escalated from occasional purging to dangerous levels. Anorexia is my comfort zone; bulimia is so far out of that zone that I'm afraid - petrified - of what I might do.