bikz (bikz) wrote in btdat,

Seven Six

I feel that today is a good day to start this - why?

I didn't go to the optician today because "I feel fat". I didn't work on my NaNoWriMo outline, despite today being my last chance, because "I feel fat". I didn't get on the treadmill today because "I feel fat". (I know that doesn't make much sense, but it does to me - I just feel too sluggish and pointless.) Yup, one of those horrible days when the numbers on the scales dictate everything. Too many of them, I say.

I was looking at my weights. (I feel fat, I might as well tell you all how fat.) My goal is 94lbs, my current is 104 .... arg, I was 101 last week, what have I been doing wrong?
Highest and lowest? I've always counted my highest as 8st10 and my lowest as that elusive, beautiful seven six, 7st6, which is the lowest I'll ever be and a mini-goal in itself. So 8st10 is 122, and 7st6 is 104 - hang on. Didn't I just say that I was 101 last week - and 104 today? So I'm at my mini-goal, and yet still feel like I'm taking up too much space where there should be air.

I looked at a snippet from one of my old song lyrics (not great writing, but it's positive) -
You've seen me stand on the scale
Over eight stone and I fail
Hunger was a quick fix
Got me down to seven six
By then my brain had set sail

But now it's come back here with no fear
I'm on my feet I need to eat
After 18 months of famine
And I never thought that I would say this again
But I'm thin thin thin

So, back in t'day, after the first 18 months of my ED - at a higher weight than now, in a happier mood, I could write a song lyric mentioning 104, or "seven six", as being too thin .... so why, at seven six, am I now too fat to go out and have my eyes tested, or write some story outline or even do a workout?

I guess this is what it feels like.
Tags: anorexia, bikki, eating disorders, lyrics, thoughts
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